What a long, strange trip it's been...

Wow, what a lazy jackass I have been! Almost a full year since my last post! and so much to share.

Lemme make a list of posts to come...

1. My Wife is more or less healthy, but still has chronic illness.

2. My son has just finished his first basketball season in fifth grade.

3. I have begun to experiment with fermented beverages.

4. My mental health has not really improved, but has not degraded either.

But what shall we talk about now? Work. No way I can piss off anyone with that topic, right?

Lets talk funding. First off, some of my friends who may be reading this are very conservative, and I'm ok with that. However, please do not listen to people in other states who are trying to convince you that people who hold state jobs are overpaid. We are not. The examples they are giving you regarding wealthy state employees are hand picked to give you an altered perspective. Are there overpaid state employees? You bet. The highest paid people on campus where I work are not the high level administrators, but the sports team coaches. I don't have actual numbers in front of me, but there are some coaches in the State of Illinois who make over a million dollars per year. I don't care how good of a coach you are, you are not worth that much money. Let's also talk about how much money the politicians themselves are making. Again, no numbers, but when was the last time you saw a politician wearing ratty old jeans and a t-shirt as a press conference... Most of us in the service of the state are significantly under the salary levels of our contemporaries in the private sector. Don't buy the bullshit.

When I was a kid, the phrase I heard on a lot of lips was "You can't solve problems by throwing money at them". And this is true, Unless the problem is You Don't Have Enough Money! 

Now, we can argue about wasteful spending, pork projects, and pointless grants to study nonsensical bullshit, but all that was gone years ago. We are now down to cutting entire programs, departments, and degree paths. Several years ago, the department my wife was working in was running low on basic office supplies. Pencils, pens, notepads, etc... The department chair was told that there was no money left in the budget, and the next year's budget was not going to be available for 3 months. This department chair went to an office supply store, and bought supplies out of her own pocket!

That was several years ago, and things have gotten worse. No I have no idea why our current state and federal leaders want us to not have the funding we need, but that is the only explication I have left. Now, I live in Illinois, so it is a massively difficult and verbose to explain accurately how we got into this mess, but I will say that every politician who has served in Illinois in the last 10 years bears some responsibility for this, including our current President. 

It's pointless to argue about it, as while they all share responsibility, no one is more responsible than any other. You could point a finger at any of our past Governors who are currently serving time, but they are all responsible while also not being wholly responsible at the same time. 

How do you fix a system that is built on massive systemic problems? How do you remove the influence of big money? How do you keep politicians honest? How do you balance the need for adequate spending with the desire for lower taxes? 

Beats me, but I do know that we have tried all the old ideas that the Tea-publicans have brought to the table, and they didn't work for Reagan, Bush, Bush Jr. or any other outspoken conservative. And on the other side of the coin, we can't spend money we don't have. Do we need Health Care Reform. I think we do, but in order to pay for it, we need to give up something else. How about the massive no-bid contracts for military contractors? Perhaps we could make do with the Air Force, Navy, Armor, and troop technology we have for a while...Do we need new M1 Tanks, or could we refurbish the ones we have? Do we need 3 more Aircraft Carriers? Do we need to be the playground monitors of the middle east? Bring our boys home, and let them defend themselves.

On a final note...I did not write this to start an argument. Don't bother to email me and tell me how wrong I am, and how I'm a dumbass liberal who should be taken out and shot. Our world has changed a lot in the last decade, and mid century battle tactics and equipment won't do on a modern battlefield. Having more tanks, ships, planes, or guns would have done nothing to stop the terrorists in 2001, and the Western approach to war-fighting has left us in a massive quagmire in the Middle East.

I'll try to post again in a few weeks, but that all depends on what kind of free time I can scrape up.

...and just like that, I'm 44...

Ahh, birthdays. How I long for the heady days of youth when birthdays where exciting and magical.

........right.

First off, thanks for all the birthday wishes and good will. Despite the dark tone of this post, I DO appreciate the fact that so many people gave me a thought on Saturday, even if prompted by Facebook, and only for a moment or two. At this point, I'll take all the good will I can get. If anyone has any additional good will, drop it off at dmenke@gmail.com or drop me a comment. I know someone is reading this post! Say Hi, damn it!

Sorry.

That's about all I have to say regarding my birthday. If you yearn for a rant of some kind regarding how great it is to get old, or how much it sucks to get old, do a Google search. I don't have the mental energy.

Lotsa busy shit coming up, including several weekends camping in a tent. Now, I've never been a big camper; I had enough of the "sleep outside and not bathe for a week" shit while I was in the military. But my son is a Webelow, and part of his Arrow of Light badge requirements is that we camp out over night. No problem. He's my son. I'm not going to say no to that. Later in June, I have another campout with some old friends at an old Brick and Tile Works that has been converted into this funky industrial earth art center. I love this place, and I love the people who are coming, so again with the tent. I can hack it.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...I bought a tent! Nothing special, but it's my first.. Perhaps actually having a tent will change my attitude on camping. I wish I had a good thick air mattress. Time to call Mom. I think she might have one.

So what the hell is the point of this post? Don't have one. Sue me.

If life gives you lemons...grab the vodka

Not at work today, some kind of stomach bug. I did miss an important informational meeting, but I asked a co-worker to call me after the meeting and fill me in. I don't know how much of this information is for public consumption, so I'll skip the details. I will say that there are likely some changes coming.

Some are coming soon, and are clearly defined. Others are further down the road, and impossible to see, but they are coming. 10 years ago I would have shrugged it off to the nature of a tech career in higher education, but in this economic climate, I grow just a bit concerned. I'm not close enough to retirement age for that to be an option, should the change involve downsizing my job, and the idea of being back in the job market at this time in my life dosen't thrill the shit out of me.

Let me be clear about one thing: There are no plans to let anyone go at this time, but time marches on. Seing as that my TARDIS is in the shop, I'll have a drink, go to work tomorrow, and do my job to the best of my ability.

No one knows where we will be this time next year, and I'm OK with that.

Mostly.

Death by a thousand cuts

I recently started seeing a new psychiatrist, and my first meeting was an eye-opener to say the least. Allow me to explain:

My old shrink diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He seemed pretty sure about it, even though we had only spoken for about half an hour. He prescribed me an anti-depressant, and an anti-psychotic. I began taking the meds, and did not really feel any better. At my next meeting 3 months later, I explained that I still had trouble functioning, focusing, and maintaining my temper. Those who knew me 3 years ago can attest that I had a short fuse. The shrink simply raised the dose. 3 times. Over three years. Despite my insistance that I really was not feeling any better, no major changes where made to my meds, and I kept paying for, and taking meds that where as effective as TicTacs, without the fresh breath.

Flash forward to my first meeting with my new shrink. we spoke for about 10 minutes, and then the Doctor gave me a number of questionnaires to fill out. Considering this is to help determine my overall mental health, I tried as best I could to answer completely and accurately. After I finished, the Doctor took some time to go over the answers, and he seemed puzzled. As he continued, he seemed more and more perplexed. He finally set down the paperwork, and laid out what he felt was a more accurate diagnosis.

First, he told me that I was suffering from severe depression. No big surprise, I have been suffering from depression since late 2001, maybe earlier. What was surprising was the severity. The Doctor was a little surprised I was as upbeat as I was. He continues:

Next, comes severe anxiety. Huh? I have some anxiety pills I take as needed, but I haven't felt I needed them for some time, but Doc was sure from the questionnaires that it was a much more severe than I thought it was. Ok, this guys has accolades and awards from several Psychiatric organizations, so he must know what he is talking about.

Third, something I suspected since I was a child. ADHD. I recall when I was in early primary school (first-third grade) I was pulled out of classes, and tested individually. I remember taking the tests, because the tester gave me Triscut treats for cooperating on the test. No one ever explained why I was taking the test, nor where the results ever shared with me then nor later in my life. I can't help but wonder what the tests where, and if I where a child nowadays, would I be diagnosed with ADHD or some manner of Autism. Well, my new shrink also feels that I struggle with an adult form of ADHD. I asked about an Autism spectrum condition, but the Doctor disagreed. ADHD seemed to be the prime suspect. OK, I can live with that...but then came the Big One.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Seriously? Well, yeah. What I am about to talk about only a small handfull of people even know, and it's likely that's all who will ever know. I will say this, when my family reads this, they will think they know what I am talking about, but they will be wrong. I had a turbulent childhood, but the repressed memory that surfaced late last year relates to none of that. And I have a strict policy of "Don't ask, Don't tell" when it comes to this topic, so don't bother.

Which brings me to the "Death by a Thousand Cuts" referred to in the title. When I asked the Doctor how I could be suffering from so many severe mental illnesses, he explained that I do have OCD, like the previous Doctor diagnosed, but it was the OCD that was helping me to develop coping strategies that had masked and allowed me to function to the level I was, but it was far from healthy or normal. It had all developed so slowly that I was able to adjust as it was happening. Hence, death by a thousand cuts. So....what to we do about it?

First off...new meds as I wean off the old ones. The new drugs are working well, as I feel normal again. I have not felt truly normal for a long time. So long in fact, I had forgotten what normal felt like, and it feels slightly uncomfortable. It's been a month, the old drugs are gone, and the new are up to full potency. No more anxiety attacks, no more nightmares, no more temper blowups.

Second, the PTSD. Let me make this clear. PTSD is no joke. I had always wondered if this was a real condition, or just an excuse to put veterans on expensive meds. I'm not questioning this any longer. I never can tell if the stress or anger I feel is real, or my mind lashing out. I am in therapy to try an purge the traumatic memories, and it seems to be working, but it's way too early to tell, and for the most part, I still have a rotten feeling in my gut 99.9% of the time.

Someday I will be OK with all this, but not today, and probably not tomorrow.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Tough Day...

I can't (won't) elaborate on why it was a tough day, other than to say this:

If you are a family member, co-worker, friend, or acquaintance, you where NOT the source of my bad day. In fact several co-workers provided some much needed levity this morning, and it helped me get through a very difficult time later in the day.

I'll elaborate, but I'm going to do it in another post, later tonight. Right now I need to watch something funny on TV. Anything funny on TV. Or Hulu. Or YouTube. Just something funny.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

Now that we have that out of the way...I hate election season. Particularly supporters of one candidate who has been out of the race for months. I won't say who it is, but he's got some pretty outrageous ideas, and some VERY enthusiastic supporters.

Now, recently, my wife was very ill, and was hospitalized 4 times in a 2 month period, along with about half a dozen trips to the ER. The total cost of her healthcare was well in excess of $150,000. In addition to that, our son was born 10 weeks pre-mature, and spent 5 weeks in the NICU. The cost of this was closer to $250,000. Over our lifetime, I'm willing to bet that my family has racked up close to half a million dollars in healthcare, and we aren't done.

One particular candidate supporter ranted on Facebook about how our healthcare insurance was a total ripoff, and his favorite candidate has a healthcare savings plan that would be a much better option. Now, I did a little research, and apparently this HSP would allow for people to self insure for healthcare, but once your savings plan is empty, healthcare costs revert to out of pocket. I responded by explaining that my family healthcare has been so expensive that any healthcare savings account would have been empty years ago. I was dismissed as being emotional, and written off by the poster.

Now I'm not one to shy away from a spirited conversation, but to simply dismiss me as emotional because the healthcare costs in question relate to my family is asinine and a discussion killer. Of course I'm emotional! You tend to get emotional while you are sitting in a NICU watching your premie son sleep, wondering if you are going to need to arrange a homecoming or a funeral in the next few weeks. You also get emotional as two flight nurses are prepping your unconscious wife for a helicopter flight to a larger hospital in the region. However, being an intelligent adult, I can set all this aside and discuss the costs of all these events in a rational manner. Clearly, I'm not the one being emotional regarding my opinions about the best way to pay for healthcare.

Needless to say, he is no longer a Facebook friend.

And I'm OK with that.

"Come up to the Lab, and see what's on the slab..."