Not even sure why I still have this....

Not even sure why I still have this....

Over two years since I wrote anything here. I clearly am not good at this kind of thing, and I guess I should shit or get off the pot. Today is Christmas 2015, as you can see from the date/time stamp. The holiday was good and stress free. Our family grows and matures. We have our ups and downs. Lori is stable. Her health is no longer declining. It's unlikely things will get any better, but as long as they don't get worse, we keep the wolves at bay.

I continue to make progress towards my MFA in Lighting Design. If all goes to plan, I should have it finished in 4 semesters. I have a very dear friend who would like me to finish in three, so I can graduate with her, but that is mostly out of my hands. I would like to try, but it will involve even more work than ever, and I will have to pay for the additional credit hours it would take. It may just end up being what it is...

My most recent class was quite stressful, but a lot of fun. It was Moving Light Programming. I learned more in 4 months than I would have learned in years on my own, trying to figure stuff out. A lot has changed since I have last operated a light board. Many reasons for that, and I have laid hands on EOS, Chamsys, Hog2, and several pre-visualizers. The only major manufacturer we did not touch on is MA. We could have easily spent an entire semester on each system, but it was meant to be an overview/basic concept class, and I'm looking forward to continuing to play on each system. I'm also going to start to beat the bushes for some freelance jobs to hone my skills.

My nightmares continue in much the same way as my last post. They are less intense, but disturbing non the less. My own health has dipped some, as I have developed diabetes. It is reversible with weight loss, which will improve many aspects of my health. I also need to start some weight training. I'm tired of being soft and weak. Kinda like the moving light programming, that hard part is the start. Once I get going, and develop a habit, it will be a lot easier to keep it going.

So much for the catch up post...no idea when I'll be back....

Doug

Tuesday, Tuesday, no good to me...

Someone recently suggested that perhaps I would feel better if I kept a journal. OK, why not. I have a blog, and no one reads it, so why not?

First topic: Nightmares/Night Terrors/Bad Dreams... Been having alot of them lately, and they are making it very hard to sleep. I won't go into sleep deprivation, it's the internet, look it up if you care.

WARNING!!! The following is a graphic description of my most disturbing, and most common dream. If you are squeamish, do not read it. Yes, I'm serious.

I find myself with my left hand wrapped around a persons throat. I have big hands, and they are capable of immobilizing many people by gripping the throat. While standing over them, I am repeatedly punching them in the face. I seem to be summoning strength I don't normally have, as not only can they not escape my left hand grip, every blow to the face causes significant trauma. Not a black eye, not a broken teeth, but I can feel and hear facial bones shattering. Each blow not only causes trauma to the persons face, but I can also feel my own fingers crack and break. each blow brings more pain, and more trauma until the person I am hitting no longer looks like a person. The bone shards beneath have shredded the skin, and the skull has collapsed to the point I am now punching the relatively soft brain tissue beneath the shards. My left hand retains a iron grip on the throat, but there is no struggle anymore, and my right hand is a lump of shattered metacarpal bones and connective tissue. It somehow retains a fist-like shape, and keeps landing blows. Blows that are orders of magnitude more powerful that I can deliver, but the damage doesn't lie. A few more punches, and the body goes limp. The computer has shut down, and I am hitting what amounts to a flesh punch bowl filled with blood, brains, and bone shards, yet I still don't stop. I slowly become aware of screaming, but the person no longer has a face, let alone a mouth to scream out of. The I realize the screaming is me.

I usually wake up at that point.

If there is anyone left reading, I feel compelled to mention that this scene is no more gruesome than some of the more extreme gore/horror films I have seen, but it's not the visual that is the most bothersome. Since this is a dream, my awareness seems to be greatly heightened. I can feel every bone in my hand break. I can feel every snap of the facial bones. I can feel the twitch of the body beneath me as the life is ripped from it. I smell the blood...I TASTE the blood. When I wake up, my right hand is tense and sore. And I sit on the side of my bed, and slowly come back to reality. Slowly. While in the shower, I check my hands for blood, and injury. There isn't any, thankfully, but I feel compelled to check. Some mornings, I'm halfway to work before I begin to feel normal, and it's lunch time before I have settled into my day.

Then comes the inevitable. Darkness falls, and it's time to go back to bed.

I don't want to do this anymore. More when I am ready.

It's beginning to look alot like...

Procrastination, anyone?

Yeah, so I'm sitting here in the local coffee shop, talking to a friend about his computer. He needs to clean off some crap-ware that showed up a few weeks ago. I told him that it should be easy, and not take very long. We then started to talk about the pros and cons of tablets when a mutual friend came in, sat down, and hijacked the entire conversation. Now normally, I wouldn't give a shit, but a few things about this bothered me today...

1. They both work in a branch of health care, and they started talking about experiences at work that were frankly, disgusting. Washing people who don't have the ability to do it themselves, etc. I'll spare you.

2. This person in infamous for her desire to be the constant center of attention. She has been this way for as long as I have known her, and I have never, repeat never seen her just sit and listen. Sometimes she presents the appearance of such, but it's always because she's pissed that she's not the center of attention, and she's moping. Fucking tedious doesn't even come close to an accurate description.

3. He let her hijack the conversation we were having. Didn't politely ask her to wait a few while we finished our topic, he just turned to her, and started talking like I had just been beamed back to the Enterprise...

All of this is not unheard of in this generation, they can be more than a little self centered sometimes, but it doesn't end there.

Two more friends walk in a few minutes later, and came over to say hi. I had something I wanted to show them on my computer, and they said they wanted to see it, (A short video piece) but they wanted to get their coffee. They left, and never came back. The walked over to another table, sat down, and have been ignoring me for the last 45 minutes....Sure wish I knew what I said or did to make myself effectively invisible. It could come in handy in certain circumstances.

Family tedium continues, for anyone following. Nothing changes, and nothing is going to change.

More to follow later, but I have to run and pick up the boy.

What a long, strange trip it's been...

Wow, what a lazy jackass I have been! Almost a full year since my last post! and so much to share.

Lemme make a list of posts to come...

1. My Wife is more or less healthy, but still has chronic illness.

2. My son has just finished his first basketball season in fifth grade.

3. I have begun to experiment with fermented beverages.

4. My mental health has not really improved, but has not degraded either.

But what shall we talk about now? Work. No way I can piss off anyone with that topic, right?

Lets talk funding. First off, some of my friends who may be reading this are very conservative, and I'm ok with that. However, please do not listen to people in other states who are trying to convince you that people who hold state jobs are overpaid. We are not. The examples they are giving you regarding wealthy state employees are hand picked to give you an altered perspective. Are there overpaid state employees? You bet. The highest paid people on campus where I work are not the high level administrators, but the sports team coaches. I don't have actual numbers in front of me, but there are some coaches in the State of Illinois who make over a million dollars per year. I don't care how good of a coach you are, you are not worth that much money. Let's also talk about how much money the politicians themselves are making. Again, no numbers, but when was the last time you saw a politician wearing ratty old jeans and a t-shirt as a press conference... Most of us in the service of the state are significantly under the salary levels of our contemporaries in the private sector. Don't buy the bullshit.

When I was a kid, the phrase I heard on a lot of lips was "You can't solve problems by throwing money at them". And this is true, Unless the problem is You Don't Have Enough Money! 

Now, we can argue about wasteful spending, pork projects, and pointless grants to study nonsensical bullshit, but all that was gone years ago. We are now down to cutting entire programs, departments, and degree paths. Several years ago, the department my wife was working in was running low on basic office supplies. Pencils, pens, notepads, etc... The department chair was told that there was no money left in the budget, and the next year's budget was not going to be available for 3 months. This department chair went to an office supply store, and bought supplies out of her own pocket!

That was several years ago, and things have gotten worse. No I have no idea why our current state and federal leaders want us to not have the funding we need, but that is the only explication I have left. Now, I live in Illinois, so it is a massively difficult and verbose to explain accurately how we got into this mess, but I will say that every politician who has served in Illinois in the last 10 years bears some responsibility for this, including our current President. 

It's pointless to argue about it, as while they all share responsibility, no one is more responsible than any other. You could point a finger at any of our past Governors who are currently serving time, but they are all responsible while also not being wholly responsible at the same time. 

How do you fix a system that is built on massive systemic problems? How do you remove the influence of big money? How do you keep politicians honest? How do you balance the need for adequate spending with the desire for lower taxes? 

Beats me, but I do know that we have tried all the old ideas that the Tea-publicans have brought to the table, and they didn't work for Reagan, Bush, Bush Jr. or any other outspoken conservative. And on the other side of the coin, we can't spend money we don't have. Do we need Health Care Reform. I think we do, but in order to pay for it, we need to give up something else. How about the massive no-bid contracts for military contractors? Perhaps we could make do with the Air Force, Navy, Armor, and troop technology we have for a while...Do we need new M1 Tanks, or could we refurbish the ones we have? Do we need 3 more Aircraft Carriers? Do we need to be the playground monitors of the middle east? Bring our boys home, and let them defend themselves.

On a final note...I did not write this to start an argument. Don't bother to email me and tell me how wrong I am, and how I'm a dumbass liberal who should be taken out and shot. Our world has changed a lot in the last decade, and mid century battle tactics and equipment won't do on a modern battlefield. Having more tanks, ships, planes, or guns would have done nothing to stop the terrorists in 2001, and the Western approach to war-fighting has left us in a massive quagmire in the Middle East.

I'll try to post again in a few weeks, but that all depends on what kind of free time I can scrape up.

...and just like that, I'm 44...

Ahh, birthdays. How I long for the heady days of youth when birthdays where exciting and magical.

........right.

First off, thanks for all the birthday wishes and good will. Despite the dark tone of this post, I DO appreciate the fact that so many people gave me a thought on Saturday, even if prompted by Facebook, and only for a moment or two. At this point, I'll take all the good will I can get. If anyone has any additional good will, drop it off at dmenke@gmail.com or drop me a comment. I know someone is reading this post! Say Hi, damn it!

Sorry.

That's about all I have to say regarding my birthday. If you yearn for a rant of some kind regarding how great it is to get old, or how much it sucks to get old, do a Google search. I don't have the mental energy.

Lotsa busy shit coming up, including several weekends camping in a tent. Now, I've never been a big camper; I had enough of the "sleep outside and not bathe for a week" shit while I was in the military. But my son is a Webelow, and part of his Arrow of Light badge requirements is that we camp out over night. No problem. He's my son. I'm not going to say no to that. Later in June, I have another campout with some old friends at an old Brick and Tile Works that has been converted into this funky industrial earth art center. I love this place, and I love the people who are coming, so again with the tent. I can hack it.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...I bought a tent! Nothing special, but it's my first.. Perhaps actually having a tent will change my attitude on camping. I wish I had a good thick air mattress. Time to call Mom. I think she might have one.

So what the hell is the point of this post? Don't have one. Sue me.

If life gives you lemons...grab the vodka

Not at work today, some kind of stomach bug. I did miss an important informational meeting, but I asked a co-worker to call me after the meeting and fill me in. I don't know how much of this information is for public consumption, so I'll skip the details. I will say that there are likely some changes coming.

Some are coming soon, and are clearly defined. Others are further down the road, and impossible to see, but they are coming. 10 years ago I would have shrugged it off to the nature of a tech career in higher education, but in this economic climate, I grow just a bit concerned. I'm not close enough to retirement age for that to be an option, should the change involve downsizing my job, and the idea of being back in the job market at this time in my life dosen't thrill the shit out of me.

Let me be clear about one thing: There are no plans to let anyone go at this time, but time marches on. Seing as that my TARDIS is in the shop, I'll have a drink, go to work tomorrow, and do my job to the best of my ability.

No one knows where we will be this time next year, and I'm OK with that.

Mostly.

Death by a thousand cuts

I recently started seeing a new psychiatrist, and my first meeting was an eye-opener to say the least. Allow me to explain:

My old shrink diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He seemed pretty sure about it, even though we had only spoken for about half an hour. He prescribed me an anti-depressant, and an anti-psychotic. I began taking the meds, and did not really feel any better. At my next meeting 3 months later, I explained that I still had trouble functioning, focusing, and maintaining my temper. Those who knew me 3 years ago can attest that I had a short fuse. The shrink simply raised the dose. 3 times. Over three years. Despite my insistance that I really was not feeling any better, no major changes where made to my meds, and I kept paying for, and taking meds that where as effective as TicTacs, without the fresh breath.

Flash forward to my first meeting with my new shrink. we spoke for about 10 minutes, and then the Doctor gave me a number of questionnaires to fill out. Considering this is to help determine my overall mental health, I tried as best I could to answer completely and accurately. After I finished, the Doctor took some time to go over the answers, and he seemed puzzled. As he continued, he seemed more and more perplexed. He finally set down the paperwork, and laid out what he felt was a more accurate diagnosis.

First, he told me that I was suffering from severe depression. No big surprise, I have been suffering from depression since late 2001, maybe earlier. What was surprising was the severity. The Doctor was a little surprised I was as upbeat as I was. He continues:

Next, comes severe anxiety. Huh? I have some anxiety pills I take as needed, but I haven't felt I needed them for some time, but Doc was sure from the questionnaires that it was a much more severe than I thought it was. Ok, this guys has accolades and awards from several Psychiatric organizations, so he must know what he is talking about.

Third, something I suspected since I was a child. ADHD. I recall when I was in early primary school (first-third grade) I was pulled out of classes, and tested individually. I remember taking the tests, because the tester gave me Triscut treats for cooperating on the test. No one ever explained why I was taking the test, nor where the results ever shared with me then nor later in my life. I can't help but wonder what the tests where, and if I where a child nowadays, would I be diagnosed with ADHD or some manner of Autism. Well, my new shrink also feels that I struggle with an adult form of ADHD. I asked about an Autism spectrum condition, but the Doctor disagreed. ADHD seemed to be the prime suspect. OK, I can live with that...but then came the Big One.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Seriously? Well, yeah. What I am about to talk about only a small handfull of people even know, and it's likely that's all who will ever know. I will say this, when my family reads this, they will think they know what I am talking about, but they will be wrong. I had a turbulent childhood, but the repressed memory that surfaced late last year relates to none of that. And I have a strict policy of "Don't ask, Don't tell" when it comes to this topic, so don't bother.

Which brings me to the "Death by a Thousand Cuts" referred to in the title. When I asked the Doctor how I could be suffering from so many severe mental illnesses, he explained that I do have OCD, like the previous Doctor diagnosed, but it was the OCD that was helping me to develop coping strategies that had masked and allowed me to function to the level I was, but it was far from healthy or normal. It had all developed so slowly that I was able to adjust as it was happening. Hence, death by a thousand cuts. So....what to we do about it?

First off...new meds as I wean off the old ones. The new drugs are working well, as I feel normal again. I have not felt truly normal for a long time. So long in fact, I had forgotten what normal felt like, and it feels slightly uncomfortable. It's been a month, the old drugs are gone, and the new are up to full potency. No more anxiety attacks, no more nightmares, no more temper blowups.

Second, the PTSD. Let me make this clear. PTSD is no joke. I had always wondered if this was a real condition, or just an excuse to put veterans on expensive meds. I'm not questioning this any longer. I never can tell if the stress or anger I feel is real, or my mind lashing out. I am in therapy to try an purge the traumatic memories, and it seems to be working, but it's way too early to tell, and for the most part, I still have a rotten feeling in my gut 99.9% of the time.

Someday I will be OK with all this, but not today, and probably not tomorrow.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.